I will do more than survive, I will THRIVE!

This is my journey to overcoming and learning to live with years of verbal, sexual, and physical abuse as a child, teenager, and adult. Please know that some of these details will be graphic and hard for some to read, (names and relationships will not be reveled for privacy reasons). This blog is to remind others you are not alone, and as a survivor of abuse, you have options during your pregnancy and birth. I have lived it, experienced it, and made it a personal mission of mine to help others know they have rights and can have an amazing birth experience despite their backgrounds. You are not your story, you are the author who can re-write your story, and make it great, this is my journey.

As a child my parents did the best they could to protect me, the best they knew how in that moment to be a parent, and the best they could to help me grow into the women I am today, for that, I am forever grateful.

I was young when my parents divorced, 5yr to be exact. Ask me today what life was with my parents together and I can't even tell you, ask me about my parents and I speak highly of all 4 of them, because to me, that is how many I have. My bio-mom remarried my extra dad when I was 8yrs old and are still married to this day, my bio-dad remarried my extra mom a little later on when I was about 13yrs and again, are still together today, so yes, I have 4 parents and am so lucky to have them all!

When I was a child I was physically and verbally abused for years. My head was smashed into the back of walls and windows, I was grabbed and thrown across rooms, whipped with belts, and took countless open hands to the face. CPS investigated every part of my life, my school teachers and counselors always checked in on me, and I wore whatever I could to hide the marks. I was always walking on eggshells, keeping my head low, and doing my best to stay invincible. Eventually my abuser had an awakening and did a 360. They did endless counseling alone and with me, took courses to learn better techniques to communicate in life, and are now one of my biggest supporters and closest friends. We healed together and learned that while the past will never be forgotten, it can be forgiven which was a huge weight off of both of us.

I remember the first time I was sexually assaulted as a kid, I was around the age of 10yr. I was told to be quiet and that it was okay, the saddest part looking back at it all was my abusers were around the same age as me which means they most likely were being abused themselves and didn't know any different. I held my breath, unsure what was happening, I remember it feeling good but wanting it to end all at the same time, I remember the song that was playing on the radio, and the feel of the rough carpet on my bare skin, I remember crying inside, waiting for it all to end. I did my best to never be alone with them again, I would come up with every excuse as to why I couldn't go "play" with them, why I wanted to be around the adults, or why I didn't want to go visit their house and wanted to stay somewhere else instead. Eventually that situation was removed from my life and I felt somewhat safe again.

Later as a teenager at the age of 15yr I was raped by two men who were definitely old enough to know right from wrong. I remember being at a party and pressured to drink then being led up the stairs by them both, I don't recall much as I was given too much to drink, but I do remember the rape very vividly. They took their turns with me, laughing and high-fiving each other while I was unable to speak, I felt numb and paralyzed, begging for it to be over. I learned quickly that I shouldn't talk about it, that I should turn it into a joke, and sadly even brag about it because if I did anything different then all of that I would become a target for more. It wasn't until much later in life I was able to call it what it was and no longer a joke, I was raped, it was not okay, and I needed help to learn that it did not define me.

When I was 16yr I entered a relationship that would last 6yrs and be full of every form of abuse possible. I was verbally, sexually, and physically abused almost daily. My life was threatened several times as was the life of my daughter. When I finally gained the strength and courage to leave I also found the courage to ask for help. I started in heavy counseling, both one on one and in a group, it was one of the hardest, most rewarding, and best decisions of my life. I learned that the sexual abuse was still considered sexual abuse even though I was in a "relationship" despite what abuser telling me otherwise. I learned that I can overcome my past, define who I was by what I wanted to be, not by what had happened to me, and that I could learn to thrive from it all, not just survive. For the first time ever I filed a police report against my abuser, I spoke in front of a judge with my abuser in the same room, and I learned to quit allowing my fear control me standing up for myself. While I was not "cured", I was most definitely on the road to recovery. I learned that counseling will probably always be a part of my life and that it didn't mean I was broken, I learned that asking for help was okay because nobody should ever have to do it alone. I may not need nearly half as much counseling now as I once did but when something triggers me I have learned to recognize it, and make an appointment to talk about it. I will probably always have triggers, I experienced a lot in my past, but I will always work to make sure they never control me again.

Eventually in life, many years down the road, I found a healthy relationship, and at the age of 34yrs, I married my best friend. I live in an abuse free marriage, I feel safe for the first time ever with a man, and know that my daughter feels just as safe. Life is a learning experience, it is our job to take our experiences, apply what we learn from them, and make our life better. It has been almost 30yrs since I was abused for the first time and about 10yrs since I was last abused. I would be lying if I said I don't think about it and am never triggered by it. The difference between me now and then though is I now recognize triggers and no longer allow them to control me.

If you have made it this far, my guess is you too are most likely a victim of abuse, and one in three of us women are. My purpose for sharing my story with you is to not gain someone who feels sorry for me, but to let you know that I understand because I have lived it. I not only have done work in life to overcome my past and become a stronger person but I am always doing work to help anyone else who is or has been in any of these situations as well. I am currently seeking my bachelors in psychology, have volunteered as a personal growth assistant for over 16yrs, and have plans to start additional Doula training in "When Survivors Give Birth" once my Birth Doula certification is complete this spring. Should you have any questions at all about how abuse victims can benefit from having a Doula present please do not hesitate to ask me that during our interview or by reaching out to me in my "Lets Meet" section, I am here for you and want to help!