My Angel Baby

In January of 2012, at the age of 29yr, I heard the words I never thought I would hear again, I was pregnant. The timing wasn't ideal as I was living with my sister to help with my nieces and nephews and only dating a guy I had just met a few months before, but God had plans and it was not my place to question or understand them. I started trying to figure it all out, I knew I would be moving out of my sisters in the summer when school got out for the kids, and I knew I would not move in with a guy just because I was now carrying his baby. We talked things over and both agreed that we were not ready to live together yet and that no matter what the future held for the two of us, this baby would never feel anything less than love from us both. We started to talk about what things would look like for us in both scenarios, together and not, talked about where I was looking to move and how things could work from being that far apart. We had our first doctors appointment to confirm my home test and everything looked great from what they could tell.

I told my OBGYN about my previous complications and how I was told that pregnancy was something my body would have trouble with. She assured me that so far everything looked perfect and that we would just continue to monitor me closely since I was starting to have a lot of the same symptoms again (at 8wks along I could no longer fit in my clothes and was already in maternity wear). A month went by and we had another doctors appointment, this was supposed to be the first time we would get to hear a heartbeat and we were so ready! I got ready and up on the exam table, the sonographer came in and started the ultrasound, she went around my belly a few times and what seemed like forever before she paused and said she needed the doctor. I felt the lump began to form in my throat, my maternal instinct knew this was not good. I looked over at him sitting there by the window and we stared silently at each other with a loss for words until the doctor knocked and came in. She said that she wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound to confirm I was as far along as she suspected as it would give her a much clearer picture since the sonographer was having difficulties.

As she switched instruments to the more invasive ultrasound I already knew the news was coming. She looked around on the monitor and moved it towards me so that we could see our baby, then spoke the words no parent ever wants to hear, "there is no heartbeat". I swallowed hard and couldn't look anywhere except to stare blankly at the monitor. I hear her talking to him, something about our options, but I couldn't move or make out the words, my brain was not letting me do anything but look at my baby and ask God why? I remember her saying I'll give you two some time and walking out. I looked over and started to sob uncontrollably, I could tell he was lost as to how to help. I told him I didn't hear anything she said and would need him to repeat it, he didn't hear much of it either. We sat there together staring at our baby and wondering how something we were so unsure of timing wise was now causing us so much grief. The doctor came back in and I explained to her that we needed to process all of this outside of her office, she told me that was completely normal and that we could come back in two days with a decision, we took the information she was kind enough to write down for us and left.

we drover separate to our appointment and I was dreading going to my parents to pick up Isabella as I knew I would get a hundred questions from anyone and in my head if I could just not talk about it then it didn't happen, that was not the case though. I walked in and my mom saw it on me instantly, I mean I did cry the entire 30min drive to her house but she saw past that, she knew the news I was carrying and recognized it all to well as any mom would. She comforted me, gave me her quiet room to rest in, and cared for Isabella while I took in some alone time. I remember my extra dad coming home and her telling him in the living room, I couldn't face anyone and thankfully I had a mom who understood and didn't make me. Later that evening I came out after I must have cried myself to sleep, my siblings had all come over for the family dinner we had planned that night and I could see on all their faces the news had been shared, I was grateful for my mom letting them know as telling the story again was to much to bear. I went home to my sisters that evening where she had taken a few days off work to be with me, and to make sure I was following doctors orders. She went with me to my next doctors appointment as the dad and I had talked and decided we needed the separation, it was too much. We texted to check in on each other and eventually the communication faded all together.

Over the course of the next month my body would naturally pass my angel baby according to my doctor with the help of an antibiotic to prevent any bacterial infections and a pill that would force me into labor so that I would have contractions to help my body pass it easier. I was scared to death to even go to the bathroom, the thought of my body passing my baby was not easy, not even for someone in the medical field. She assured me that surgery was a much higher risk and that I was strong enough to do this. Thankfully my sister had a job that allowed her to do a majority of her work from home during this month and when she couldn't my brother in law filled in, between the two of them and my parents, I was never alone. The depression was so real, I felt like I was in the deepest and darkest hole imaginable and that I would never again feel the same or be able to climb out, thankfully, I was wrong. After almost two months off work myself and lots of help from friends and family, I returned to work, started some counseling, and was on an antidepressant to help me gain normalcy again.

My life will never be the same and I have learned to cope with that without the use of medications now. I ended up needing a total hysterectomy which assured my body would never get pregnant again, and today, 8yrs since losing my angel baby and 6yrs after my hysterectomy, I am fully recovered. I still think about my angel baby and wonder what Gods meaning was for me to go through that grief, maybe it was he knew that was what I needed for the relationship to end so that a couple years later I would find the man I would come to marry, maybe it was because he wanted me to have the experience and understanding so that I could better serve my patients/clients, whatever it was I know he had a purpose.

Life is messy, our plans don't always go as we expect, and what doesn't kill us definitely makes us stronger. What I do know is that I will always have a special angel in my heart forever watching over me.